Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Randomize
