his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
