I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
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