Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
