did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
