Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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