I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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