Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Randomize
