im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
Randomize
