I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
