sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize