I can't breathe out the right side of my face
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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