Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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