You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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