Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
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