I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
