I wish my penis had an off switch
it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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