How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
He better not be in your backpack
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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