did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Randomize
