Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
