I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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