I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Randomize
