I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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