I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
