Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
