Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Randomize
