My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
