i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Randomize
