You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
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