Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
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