youre lurking in front of me
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
