Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Randomize
