I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
