Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
