true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
he came faster then a bring it on movie goes to dvd
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Randomize
