Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
Need sex. Gaining weight.
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Randomize
