If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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