Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
