Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
