can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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