He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize