if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
