I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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