I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize