I am puke
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
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