mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I deserve this hangover.
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