Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
How do i ask the guy i made out with for 4 hours if he is gay? He keeps telling me i'm so adorable and that he had a ''blasty''
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
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