Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
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