its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Randomize