Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Randomize
