I faked an abortion last night.
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
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