I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
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