dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
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