just tell him i said nine months
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Randomize
