and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
so let's talk penis.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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