I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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