I think it's safe to say that I made out with the entire msu campus this weekend
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
