Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
