I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
we're chasing vodka with high fives
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
