The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
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