I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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