you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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