Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
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