found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
