Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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