just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Randomize
