Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
