i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
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