sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Small penises have feelings too.
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
No I am not eating basil off your cock
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
It was a blind-side dick pic.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
