I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
