i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
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