people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
My liver just had a heart attack.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
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