Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Randomize
