he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
